Stick a Fork in Me

I don't know where to begin. It has (f.i.n.a.l.l.y.) been brought to my attention that someone here (or a number of someones) took it upon themselves to tell Tristram that my last entry was about him. Are you fucking serious, people? Where in that whole thing did I say "I don't want to talk to Simon anymore"? I said I was getting out of a toxic situation, not a toxic friendship or toxic relationship. That situation is this whole damned community. Why? Stuff like this is exactly why. People in this community like to talk about each other, make up whatever they're too dumb/shy/scared to ask about and then spread shit around. Let me make it perfectly clear right here:

"Toxic" WAS NOT about Simon!!!

If you people had a question about anything I wrote or anything I meant, you see that little link on the bottom of this post and every single one below it? That's called a comment box. It's where you write words about what was just said, whether a comment or an inquiry. If you didn't want to do it out in the open, a simple "Can we talk?" would have been enough and you'd have had my email address (for future reference, captainmando at gmail.com). Just because I'm not writing here anymore doesn't mean I wouldn't have gotten the notification. ASK before you go making up crap about things that you don't know bullshit about and causing problems.

I initially left because I was sick of the whining and complaining and drama stirred up by the advent of JS2 and, to a lesser degree, politics in general. I won't lie and say that people's personal drama wasn't part of it, too. Friends though we might be, I simply don't have time to deal with it. It may sound harsh, I know, but my schoolwork and my own relationship get priority over yours.

I spent the last 23 years of my life living for other people and leaving myself on the backburner. After my divorce (which was finalized early last fall), I was done with it. I live my life for myself, now. If being a bit more ruthless about what I say or do or the people and habits I keep company with or let go by the wayside, that's why. Nobody gets to push me around anymore or guilt-trip me into doing their bidding. Does that make me a different person? I'm sure it does. That compassion is still there, but now I make sure that I get a dose of it first before I go spreading it around to others.

Maybe I've become "colder, harder and with more of an edge"; that happens when you decide to be selfish for awhile, and I have no problem admitting that's what I'm doing. After everything I've done for others and given of myself to others, I deserve to be selfish for awhile. I could only neglect myself for so long and that time is over. No more.

I can't reply to Simon since he's closed off the comments and I don't have time for a long, drawn-out Yahoo conversation (as I'm sure it would wind up), so I'll quickly do it here:

• Yes, the timing was bad. I was just beginning the two busiest semesters I've ever had (which I told you about at the time), first 5 classes and now 6.
• I never once said that I believed I was the entire reason for your post.
• As far as your attempts at communication, I had absolutely no way of knowing. My phone number has been the same since I was 16 years old. When you called this morning, my phone never rang; I simply got a notification that I had two voicemails waiting. Funny that you couldn't get through before and now you can.
• Also, there's a thing on Yahoo called "offline messages". Didn't get any there, either.
• As far as comments on other blogs, I've left what--four, maybe five comments ever since I left in January, one of which was on Scott's post about his breakdown? And I hadn't said anything to anyone until just a week or two ago, when I briefly flirted with the idea of returning to blogging. After all this? Hell no. I'm done.

Basically, yeah. I'm done. I may start blogging again someday, but it won't be in this community. One or two of you might know where, but I'll never announce it publicly. I simply don't have time in my life to deal with bullshit online drama or drama in other peoples' lives; I have my own to deal with, thank-you.

So...at long last, this is how CaptainMando dies, not with a happy farewell, but with an angry fizzle. Be good, kids.

Toxic

Over the last two years now, I have tried to make it a practice of mine to recognize toxic situations or toxic relationships that I am involved in and, more importantly, to get myself out of them as quickly and painlessly as possible. While the pain is not always avoidable and expediency may not always be an option, those are the goals I strive to attain.

Two years ago this April, I was rid of all the toxic friendships I'd been clinging to since earliest childhood. Granted, the choice to sever those relationships initially was not my own, but I quickly realized the favor that had been done for me in their abandonment.

Last spring, I made the decision to extricate myself from a toxic marriage. I had been battling insomnia, lack of appetite, and irritability all brought on by emotional issues that stemmed from the toxic relationship in which I was involved and, as such, did not have the energy to tackle the issue until summer. Since that time, I have felt unbelievably free and my aforementioned stress-related issues have waned--until now.

Over the last week or two, the insomnia I experienced last spring has been slowly returning, I'm not eating as frequently as usual, and have been a lot more irritable than normal (as though you hadn't noticed). Yes, TuesdayPillow is right, I do take things too personally, but that's just who I am and who I have always been. I've learned to remove myself from toxic situations and toxic relationships and this is one stressor that I don't need fucking up my last semester of school.

When the original JS crashed, I seriously considered just not coming back, just disappearing into the ether and letting the crash be my excuse. However, I wound up curious about what everyone else was up to and resurrected my journal. Now something I used to love dearly rarely makes me anything but angry and frustrated and, as a result, I'm considering deleting both my page here and at the New JS. I never, ever would have entertained the thought at the Old JS, but the crash and the subsequent reformatting has brought out some of the worst qualities in some of whom I considered to be the nicest people. I have enough stress and drama in my 3D life without letting petty online bullshit and egos add to it.

So, until I decide whether or not CaptainMando shall live on, it shall simply gather dust. I won't be writing here for the foreseeable future and will likely not be doing any reading, either (at least for awhile), as that is usually what sets my blood boiling in the first place.

Arrivederci, ya'll. Be good.

Betcha Couldn't Guess...

I think Jenny tagged me for this on Facebook weeks and weeks ago, but we all know how punctual I am.

1. I'm still a little afraid of the dark.
2. Scottrick is my very best friend.
3. I don't think I'll ever write professionally, and that's okay.
4. I have never had a manicure or a pedicure.
5. I absolutely loathe pickles and peppers.
6. My favorite writers are Stephen King and Jane Austen.
7. I have naturally long, strong fingernails.
8. My first story was written at age 6: "The Wild & Crazy Nurse".
9. People won't play board games with me because I usually win.
10. My favorite color is red.
11. I'll be the first person in my family to graduate college.
12. I can't do a cartwheel.
13. I love when Scott gets all excited about nerdy stuff.
14. My first (and only) published poem was at age 9 in ChildLife.
15. I'm strangely avoidant of authority figures (even my landlord).
16. I've never been able to touch my toes.
17. My dog is sweet but drives me up the wall more often than not.
18. I wish I had a gym membership and a gym buddy.
19. I can't stand being bored.
20. It's Monday and I'm already working on next week's classes.
21. My middle sister used to chase me with knives.
22. My greatest goal in life is to be a good mom someday.
23. I'm insanely excited about my Editing & Publishing class.
24. I really want a red Mini Cooper.
25. This is going to be the best year ever.

You're supposed to tag a bunch of people when you're done, but I figure you're all big kids and can do it if you wanna. :oP

JS Saga: The Disgraceful Story of the Eminos

I’ve held my tongue about this for quite awhile, but I can’t anymore. Hell, I still can’t even bring myself to post something nearly as strongly-worded as I’d like to, but this will do for now.

I had originally disabled comments because if I hear/read anymore bitching and complaining, my head very well may explode. But now I've changed my mind. I figure if you want to bitch and complain, go right ahead and prove my point.

***********************************

There once was a decent-sized town. Let’s call it “Mini-New Orleans”. MNO was a bustling place with lots of happy (and not a few disgruntled) Eminos who spent their days scurrying from home to home telling their friends of their days, making wild sexual innuendos, having mass orgies, and exchanging gifts.

Then, one day, there was a massive storm and the Mayor evacuated all the Eminos in the middle of the night without explaining why or allowing them to bring any of their belongings. They struggled together in hastily-assembled tents and camps, huddling around rickety tables, making lists of the missing. Ol’ Pop McSweets opened up his family’s RV park and encouraged people to tack their contact information to the bulletin board in the rec room so they could all stay in touch wherever they happened to go. The Eminos who found their way to the RV park rejoiced and thanked Pop McSweets for providing such a great temporary shelter.

After almost two weeks of wandering, the Mayor sent a carrier pigeon to say that a storm had come and waves had crashed over the levees and Mini-New Orleans and all that which it contained. Then, there was a great fire that burned all the rubble to dust. Finally, Godzilla and King Kong put all the dust into little tea bags and had a delightful little tea party with raspberry jam-topped butter cookies and finger sandwiches the size of school buses. The Mayor looked around at the wreckage, thought of the wrath the Eminos would have for his failure to protect their fair city. He threw up his hands and said, “To hell with it! Somebody else deal with this shit. I’m done!”

All the Eminos cried and mourned the loss of their home. Some had grown up in Mini-New Orleans, others had fallen in love there, and still others were merely old pervy codgers who used it as a banter-filled playground for their debauchery-laden games. Some talked of running for Mayor themselves, others talked of settling in other towns, but most waited to see if another Mayor would step up to rebuild MNO.

Eventually a new Mayor floated into town from the exotic land of the Netherlands. While the New Mayor had never visited MNO as it had been before The Devastation, he felt so badly for the homeless Eminos that he wanted to do whatever he could to give their home back to them as soon as possible. So, the New Mayor set up as many FEMA trailers as he could and asked the Eminos who returned to Mini-New Orleans to tell him their favorite parts of the city that they would like rebuilt and how they looked, which is more than the Old Mayor had ever done.

Word spread throughout the scattered Eminos and many of them migrated home. As they shuffled back to reclaim their lost homes, some of the Eminos who had missed the memo about Pop McSweets’ RV park or who had gotten lost on the way shouted their joy that they were able to meet up with other lost Eminos at other campsites. Suddenly, Pop McSweets wasn’t so sweet anymore. “But MY park had more people than YOURS did! Why does your piddly little campground even matter, huh?” He huffed at his pipe, dug his toe into the dirt and spun away with a loud “Harumph!”

Some of the Eminos began the long business of moving their belongings from their temporary campsites to help resettle Mini-New Orleans. The flood and the fire had shifted the roads from their familiar places and many of the old landmarks were simply gone. King Kong and Godzilla certainly hadn’t helped matters with their huge footprints tearing everything up.

The huge Home Depot store in MNO was wiped out by the storm and all the home decorating supplies had been swept out to sea (and/or eaten by the monsters), never to be seen again.

“WHAT?!?” Some of the resettling Eminos cried. “You mean I can’t redecorate my home RIGHT THIS SECOND?!? That’s it! I’m done! I don’t have time to wait!” They marched off and spent all day long complaining to the other Eminos about how they didn’t have time to wait to make things prettier.

Other Eminos continued shoveling through rubble, trying to help clean up the place. Some of the Eminos were experiencing problems with backed-up sinks and clogged toilets. They huffed and puffed and stomped their feet, but Joe the Plumber was busy recording a country album and running for state office in Ohio and the New Mayor was overwhelmed with the Eminos’ earlier requests for Mini-New Orleans.

“I can’t believe I have to deal with a clogged toilet and I don’t have a plumber here yet!” many of those Eminos whined.

“I have the same problem,” other Eminos replied. “But it’s only been a few days. The New Mayor will get someone here! He’s just busy.”

“I don’t care; this is ridiculous. I live in an instant gratification society and I want it fixed NOW!!! And for FREE!!! You hear me, Mr. Mayor? FREE!!! You do what we tell you to or we walk…like this!” And thus, more Eminos stormed away.

The remaining Eminos continued poking through what little wreckage was left (even though the Old Mayor said there was NO wreckage left), re-learning their way around the new layout of Mini-New Orleans.

“Wait, wait, wait…what do you mean he hasn’t rebuilt the Spanish Sixth yet? That was my favorite part of MNO!” some of the Eminos declared. “I simply can’t live here if we don’t already have the Spanish Sixth back! I don’t have time to wait for him to build it!” And even more Eminos stormed off to spend all day talking about how little time they had to waste.

In the meantime, this particular Emino was suffering a horrendous migraine from losing her respect of so many supposedly-adult Eminos kicking and screaming like 3-year-olds who were told they can’t have dessert until they eat their vegetables. MNO had been resettled and partially-abandoned, all within ONE WEEK of the beginning of its resurrection.

Moral of this story: Stop being such little whiny bitches (and bastards) and give the man some goddamned time to actually rebuild things. Why? I’m sick of hearing it and you are ALL better than the behavior that many of you have been displaying. It’s actually pretty disgusting, if you ask me.

This guy (Ivan, if you care) is here doing a GOOD thing for people that he doesn't even know and all he is getting in return is bitching and complaining. It's a wonder that he's even trying at all.

A New Day of Hope

I pulled the following text of President Obama’s inaugural address from CNN.com and bolded some of my favorite sections.

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor — who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

“Let it be told to the future world … that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive… that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].”

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Hallelujah, a new day has come! Let’s roll up our sleeves and get to work, kids. This is our time. :o)

For My Scottrick

Since I can't give you a hug, this will have to do for now.

Please cheer up, sweetheart. I love you.

The JS How-To Girl

Some of you have already seen that I set up a second journal on the New JS entitled “The How-To Girl”. I decided to suspend posting screenshots and other how-to’s for getting around JS on my CaptainMando journal and designated one whole new journal to it.

I’m going to try to update it at least once every other day or so as the New JS is continually developed and new features are added all the time.

If anyone has any suggestions for something you can’t seem to find or an issue you’ve noticed that you and/or others are having trouble with, let me know and I’ll try to do a post for it as soon as I can!